Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!

When they say "God only gives us what  we can handle" I am certain that God has overestimated what I can "handle."
In forty years I've never felt hopeless, weak, or unsure the sun will come up tomorrow. In one year these feelings are more common than not.
As I was speaking with my Neurologist about my state of desperation, he actually let me know that one of my new lesions could have possibly permenantly affected my coping skills.......
How in the world can I  be a strong, happy and independent woman, and in the blink of an eye I'm here.

Cut to me: On my knees.......saying out loud........UNCLE already! Really, UNCLE

What does Taking the High Road Really Mean????

As I've aged, hopefully gracefully, I've promised myself, and my higher power, that the second half of my life would be spent "taking the high road!"
Through a chronic illness, and a "not so nice" divorce, I've maintained my approach that if I can just stay on the right side of the conflict, then I would come out of all of this, clean and proud....
So I ask myself, " does taking the high road mean not defending myself?" Through months of mudslinging, and weeks of hearing my life dragged through the mud, I can't lie, it was difficult to bite my lip.....But bite my lip I did.
It wasn't until my children began to speak of things they were told, many that were true, and many that were not that I had to remind myself, over and over, these things are not for the ears of young children.But with that I also asked myself........Do I defend myself? Do I wait and pray that someday, my refusal to play this game, will be seen later by my boys as "my mom never told us bad things", so she must be nicer, better, or...........exactly what we were being told.
All the books say, never speak ill of your co-parent, for it will come back to haunt you....does that mean never paint the true picture?
I have alot to say! I have alot to disprove! But most of all, I know the truth. And my half of the truth is not pretty, or perfect.....and seeing my faults used as weapons is most definantly what divorce is about.
But my choice to take the high road.....I fear it may have done more damage than speaking the truth.
Do I pay for my sins, and keep the sins of others a secret? What a connundrum? I want to scream to the world, I made mistakes, but what if the world knew what I knew?
Taking the high road, quite frankly, has not proven to be the best choice, but what are my options? Destroy the vision my children have of their father?
I cannot do that....... but I have to say, the suffering is difficult! The desire to paint the real picture is strong and whispers in my ear regularly!

Cut to me:  It's true....having children and protecting them from the stupid mistakes that adults make is the right thing to do! I pray that biting my tongue doesn't bite me in the ass later!

I'm Jamie Winborn-Svoboda and here's my issue........

You don't know what to expect when you get diagnosed with any disease, but sometimes, even the most shocking things can take you aback.........

Is it wierd that the father of your children is requesting that my estate be financially responsible for my children upon my death?

Now I may be sick, but I most definantly am not on the fast track to the dirt bed!

Not wanting to pay for child support is one thing, but trying to gain financially on the death of the mother of your kiddos.......when that Mother is not critical..........that's something Gary Coleman's ex would do.

Cut to Me:  Dear me; marrying someone to have a family is never a good idea. Let's try to be a little more choosy next time. Top three musts; a job, a life goal, mustn't live with parent's....that's a good place to start.

OMG.......I'M A VAMPIRE!!

Don't be alarmed, I mean you no harm, I despise the taste of blood, but rather prefer a nice cab/Merlot mix. May I pour you a glass?
Now as unbelievable as this may seem, you must listen carefully.....
I am over fourteen thousand days old, and this is my story.
I'm not sure when I first became the monster you see before you today, for I too was a Human once.

I remember fondly the days I spent frolicking in the sunshine as if it were merely yesterday. I can still smell the faint odor of iodine and baby oil of yester year that my companions and I lathered our bodies with to change the color of our skin. Ah yes, the sting of my skin after seventy two hours on the beaches of far away lands.....

But, alas, the memory of the sun's glow has begun to fade, for I am a creature of the night now, never to walk the greens chasing that little white ball again...

What is that you say? Yes, I know the opaque color of my skin is very beautiful, but do not envy me! For the life of a Vampire is not always as it appears.

Hush now, do not pity me, I have come to terms with the knowledge that all the other Vampires get movie roles.  And I'm truly accustomed to the fact that my skin, although see through, does not sparkle in the sunlight.

Well, no, I cannot fly!
No, I cannot move faster than the human eye!
You got me there, I cannot read your thoughts either!
I never said I was a good vampire....in fact it appears I rather suck at it........no pun intended.
What is that you say? Maybe I'm not a Vampire?
Now that is where you are wrong! It is Vampires that move only in the night, am I correct?
Don't be stupid, I sleep in a bed...........
No, I am not on either team, I do not even know this Jacob or Bella you speak of!
Now you must go, and run swiftly, I cannot promise your safety anymore. But tell others of my existence, let the world know that Vampires walk among you!
Stop laughing!

Cut to me: Staring at a photo I just took of myself, I thought Vampires did not show up on film.........Maybe I'm a Hobbit!

You know, this disease you have is really serious...

It's funny when I hear people in my life talk about my disease. Tonight I heard my ex husband say that it was inevitable that I will be in a wheelchair....he works at the Scooter Store. He was quick to point out that most of his clients were MS patients.
I laughed out loud, thinking that this disease will not put me in a wheelchair, much less a scooter.....Although, many of the patients I get my infusions with do come in on scooters or walkers.
Why do I find this funny? Because obviously this man does not know me or my strength.
My future may hold many things, and this disease may take it's course, but there is absolutely nothing that this disease can do to me that will take away who I am or what I am capable of!
I am strong, I am able to walk, I am still a whole person, and when I encounter people that automatically put me in a wheelchair, I laugh!
I laugh, because I am stronger than this disease, I am stronger than what people think is my future.....I am Jamie.....and those who know me well, know that I will never lie down and accept that MS is my downfall.
MS has given me gifts.....gifts of time with my children,  gifts of time to discover who I am, gifts of not having the world on my shoulders, and the gift of time alone.
This time alone has opened many doors, some great, and some completely terrifying! But time to look at me.
Who am i? Why do I feel the way I do? Why do I suffer from the past:? How can I accept my past injuries and move on?
But most importantly, what am I supposed to get from this disease?
I know this......I am not destined for a wheelchair, I am not destined to be dependant, and I have not lost the fire that lives within me!
We are defined, not by our health, but what we do with our life!
I choose to be defined by my accomplishments, as a mother, as a friend, as a person! And I embrace who I am, why I am who I am, and who I want to be from this day forward.
If, for some terrible reason, I am stuck in a wheelchair, I can promise this......I will be the most fabulous wheelchair bound person anyone has ever known!

We are not defined by our past, we are not defined by our future....we are defined by what and who we are today!
Today, I choose life, strength, faith, and happiness! Thank you God for the gift of choice!

Cut to Me:  This rollercoaster I am on will eventually slow down......please God, let this rollercoaster slow down!

Sarcasim is the lowest form of wit......

I don't know about that.....After all, Al Gore invented the Internet! Yeah that's right, and if it weren't for someone stumbling upon his "lock box", we all may have never known the freedom of paying our bills on line...

Cut To Me:  Man I'm Hurtin for Material.......Slow day at the looney bin

My Sam.....

It was kill or be killed......a corporate interview that was obviously a tight run! As I walked out, feeling I had nailed the interview, I passed an unassuming man in a great suit, that I knew was my competition. He was the enemy, and he must be destroyed, thank God I was a woman, and he was a man. I knew that in the world of sales, a strong, decent looking woman, that had a good head on her shoulders was very hard to beat in a male dominated client base.

My cockiness was very quickly smashed when I walked into my first day at my new job, telling myself, I was obviously the Best Choice. Wrong! I turned the corner and there he was.....the enemy.

Not only did we both get the job, but he got the job with the instant territory, where, I got the bench position. The bench, as we all knew, was the shitty job, basically the person waiting for someone to fall into the darkness of those who don't meet their quota!

What does this man have that I don't have? Why him and not me? I instantly became his biggest nightmare, I would be the woman, that took the man down! I would show him.....

Two weeks into my shameful lower eschelan of the team, I ended up looking at this man across the table at the local Mexican food hot spot. We measured each other up, asking probing questions of each other, as sales people do, looking for any sign of weakness.

I noticed his wedding band and rudely asked, "So what does your wife do?", he smiled and averted his gaze. I saw instantly that he was obviously uncomfortable and I jumped to the conclusion that here was another Man in front of me that was "unhappy in his marriage."

To my shock and surprise, he lifted his head and I was taken aback by his gorgeous blue eyes. They were full of life, and his grin was like he had the secret to the world and I wanted to know that secret. All of a sudden, he wasn't my enemy, but someone I wanted to know more about.

Within minutes, he took off his wedding ring, and he looked at me with the most honest, soul baring expression that I was almost afraid of what he would say. God, please don't let this be just another come on!

I couldn't have been more wrong. Sam, looked directly in my eyes and said "i am Gay", and to my astonishment, without even thinking, I jumped up and hugged him as if I'd known him all my life. I knew instantly that this was the first man I would ever know that didn't have ulterior motives. I could feel safe with him and as I hugged him I surprised myself when I said "I am so glad to know you."

His name was Sam, and he became my safe place to fall. Sam, with his mischievous smile and dancing blue eyes became my companion, my confidant, my savior. I watched him over the next few years and he never ceased to amaze me how he looked at the world, and at me. Here is a gay man, in Texas, with the most amazing outlook on life. Although he faced judgement daily, and was many times treated as a second class citizen, he never lost his smile, his lust for life and his neverending belief in the good in people.

We became inseparable, we shopped, we vacationed together, we cried together, we snuggled in one bed watching cheesy chick flicks on business trips, he was my everything. His husband, as did mine, became fiercely jealous of the time we spent together, and we secretly laughed when one of us was being scolded for not coming straight home from work. He was my heroin and I was completely addicted! I made up a song with his name in it, and any time I sang it, he had to dance, and dance he did!

We counselled each other on working harder, marital issues, and becoming better people. When my marriage began to fall apart, we spent many hours talking and me crying, but Sam always knew what to say to make me smile. "Jamie, there are women all over this world who are going through  the exact same suffering, the difference is........they're fat!" He meant no harm, and I knew it, and  we laughed until we cried.

It was Friday, and Sam and I had been making business calls all day, and we decided to go to my house for a quick glass of wine (we both knew a quick glass meant he'd be there for hours and get scolded when he got home). Always dressed to the nine's, it didn't seem unusual that we were hiking through the woods behind my house and Sam had on a suit and tie. The hammock we finally found was, as most hammocks are, a death trap. It was huge and I started giving him directions on how to safely get on...."Oh Jamie shut up, I'm from Oregon, we know hammocks!" We both laughed because we knew that there are no hammocks in Oregon, as he began to lower himself onto the hammock. And just like that, the hammock flipped and Sam (suit and all) ended up face first with a loud thud! I know it hurt him, but it was just so funny that the pain wasn't important.

After we both safely got on the hammock we stared up at the starts and talked and talked for hours. I remember thinking to myself, life is good, and this Man is quite possibly the most important person in  my life.

Two weeks later, I was running down the hall of the ICU unit. I got there just in time to watch the life of My Sam drift out of his beautiful blue eyes. Just like that he was gone. The man that never smoked a day in his life died of lung cancer two weeks after our night in the hammock.

That was the second time  I watched someone I loved pass to the other side, and although I was grateful I made it there in time, I knew that the loss of My Sam would forever leave a painful hole in my heart and most definantly my life.

Cut to me:  "Sam, I love you and miss you every day!"

When I was your age, I gave myself my own "C" section with a broken bottle of Bourbon!

Laughter, Laughter, Laughter.....Statistics prove, without a shadow of a doubt, that laughter helps the chronically ill to live a longer and more fulfilling life. I know this, I've lived this motto for a very long time, but MS, as any disease, can make it very hard to laugh, really laugh!

You know that laugh that makes your face hurt and your belly ache?

What I'm finding, is that once you stumble into the darkness created by the daily struggle to get through the day, it is much harder to pull yourself out of the cave and back into the light.

The key is to recognize when you're slipping, and give yourself a big, giant, shot of straight up comedy. If I can't be funny, I'll search it out. "Yeah, that's what I'll do....I'm gonna find funny stuff, like, oh I don't know,.......people falling down."

With this brilliant idea, I rushed to the T.V. to find America's funniest Home Videos......."There's always someone falling on that show" I tell myself. Sure enough, this episode was chock full of falls.....old people falls, young people falls, I don't care. I have not, and will never discriminate about how funny the fall is by who the "faller" is. I'm proud of that!

So I laughed, really laughed, and I said to myself, "Self, you gotta get your comedy, I don't care how you get it, just get it!"

So thanks to you Betty White, for cracking me up, thanks to the "Delicious Dish" sketch for innocently talking about your muffin and how you keeps it from beeing Dry and Cracked"

This lack of laughter is one of the things in my life I can control, and, although I know I'll slip into the darkness again, I now know that seeing a person walking into a glass door has more power over me than I ever knew.

Cut To Me: Does this mean I have to feel guilty about thinking people falling down is absolutely hysterical? Probably!

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?????

How many times did our parents say that to us? More importantly, how many times do we say it to our own children?

My eleven year old said to me one day when we were having one of our wonderfull, sincere, conversations. I'm so lucky to have him....

He said "Mom do you remember when you asked me if I knew it was wrong to pick up my pellet gun while I was grounded, I said no because I meant it. No, not at that actual (his favorite word) second while I was picked up that pellete gun, I never thought I was doing something wrong. But I knew later it was wrong."

The child basically said, I did something without thinking, and that is the most basic form of honesty, I really wasn't thinking.

There is not one of us that hasn't slipped and said something that either came out wrong or was taken wrong. Or we just said something stupid in a group of people we shouldv'e known better. BUT SLIP UPS HAPPEN TO US ALL!

I do believe that until you are at least twenty five, you should still be able to use, I was'nt thinking. Because if we all sat back and thought of the things we did in High School and college, we'd all say........MAN I really wasnt thinking!!

So, after twenty five, we all have to learn the morays (sociologic term for acceptable social behaviors) of our lives. Corporate America, PTA's, Golf Associations, even cultural rules.

But to err is to be human, so we alllllll slip up. To these slip ups, we should also forgive, because the fallout is usually the best punishment.

So, what about the people who always say the wrong thing......you know that person.......always says the absolute wrong thing at the absolute worste time?

So, my dog died on Mother's Day, she was found by my ten year old boy, so I sent him to his Grandma's house.

I then look around and realized, since I made the decision to be a single mother, then I have to bury the dog (her name was Paris and she was darling) on Mother's Day all by myself. Mother's Day is the hardest day of the year for me because I have no contact with my own Mother and it makes me very sad. So here's what I did.........I put her gently in a moving box I had, that I had put the best linens I owned in and covered her up.

I close the box and put her in the garage refrigerator.........and I said out loud.........I have MS, I cant work, and I'm not going to bury my Fucking dog on Mother's Day!"

I really did say it out loud, I then got a glass of wine, crawled in bed (one dog short) and watched the Real Houswives of NJ"

So today I cry, go buy a shovel that breaks in five jabs, and I get a text from my Mother-in-law simply stating "I hope she didn't suffer"

So, In my loud voice again, I said, while texting back "Not what I want to think about right now!"

Yeah, I got the right answer, some people really still need to hear.....
"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"

Cut to me: Sitting outside, pondering the unknown, but I worry people will think farting in Church is a What Were You Thinking situation. So to set your minds at ease......that really is an involuntary action!

Yeah....so what!

When I started this blog, it was for me to let go of the overwhelming things that were going on in my mind after being diagnosed with a lifelong disease. A way of letting go through laughter, anger, sadness, fear, confusion, guilt...... but most of all laughter.
For those who don't know this, laughter is almost always used as a mask. It is easy to hide behind people's laughter, plus, laughter is a win win situation for everyone involved, (most of the time).
But I forgot what this blog was really about, whether no eyes ever read these words, I will say what I feel. As inappropriate, or cynical, or "angry", I may sound, these are my feelings, I own them, and I want these words to show me!
Even if it's the me that's mad, terrified, and yes, even angry!

Because whether I say Fuck, or whether I forget to make a joke, the truth is there are words I hear that suck,and are scairy and sometimes, Hell Yes I'm Pissed....So What!

'You cannot work, your disease is progressive"
"I am here to disconnect your electricity"
"If I take that IV out on my own, will it save me 300 dollars"
"Really, I know I have to be out of here by the 30th, I promise I'll be out"
"How long will I be on home heath?"
"Will my left eye ever stop sagging?"
"So I can't play anymore........ever?'

I can't be funny when nothing's funny, I will curse when I want to, and I will scream from the top of my lungs.........MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS....REEEEAAAAAALY......WHAT THE FUCK????

This blog is not for those who don't like seeing the ugly side, becuase there is a very ugly side. It is grieving the loss of someone you used to be, all because of some little sore on my brain?! It is not easy, nor is it funny, so I will continue to write, but please understand that I am just dealing with life, this blog is for me, not anyone else.

So this blog is going to be what it started off as, my mind working in another way, my way of finding light in a what could easily remain a dark and scairy place, these are me, and these are my words.

If you want to know me, then I really must be me.....right????

Cut To Me..... Surprised that I'm really having to recreate me, is there a book on tape on how do do that?

NOW I KNOW WHY OLD PEOPLE ARE SOOO MEAN!!

I turned forty this year, so I'd say I'm not a spring chicken anymore, but as I've aged I've often wondered why older people you encounter in public are almost always mean, gruff, rude, whatever word you choose?You know the people I'm talking about, not all old people, the ones that are rude to waitresses and have that Scrooge look about them.

Year after year, I find myself understanding that they are who they are because, quite frankly,  life kicked them in the balls just one too many times! And they should be............

I've spent most of my life working more than one job, even after I graduated from college, or climbing up the ranks in corporate America. To say I'm a hard worker is an understatement. So, you can imagine how this disease taking away my ability to work is like greaving the death of a person I will never be again.

I'd like to say I'm tougher than most, but most of the time I'm just fakin it! It's more fun giving people the benefit of the doubt than thinking everyone's out to screw you. Or is it??

Going on Short Term disability was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, what am I worth if I'm not bringing home a paycheck???? Never did it enter my mind that the insurance policies I have would consider an mri I had two years before my diagnosis, which was never read by a physician, would cause my MS to be a Pre-Existing Condition!!!

I remember the "Save The World" drive I felt when I graduated from college to save criminals from reoffending, the parents I coached and the students I counseled. I remember the exhiliration I felt when I changed careers and made my first sale. I remember the first Million dollars I made my company in one year, but what I remember the most is the safety I felt knowing I could financially support my family.

Now, a woman in another state somewhere, concludes my MS was pre-existing and that I am not eligible for Long Term Disability. HMMMMMM

I'm not whining about my financial situation, well maybe a little,  I know it's hard out there for everyone, but to make six figures one year and then loose my home the next is unacceptable. I'm feel my brow furrow, and a sadness that maybe most people don't deserve the "benefit of the doubt" So no wonder when people say "read the fine print!" What they're really saying is, "there's a loophole in everything! your gonna get screwed!" And no wonder the print is "FINE!" 

Ok, so yes I'm gruff, I just got kicked in the balls, again! What's really the zinger is I send UNUM, my provider, all my business.....

Cut to me: Staring at the ceiling, saying aloud, I'm forty and this is my life?

Stay at home Moms dont do shit.......

The way I see it, there are two types of people in the world....the people who say that, and the people that are insulted by it.

I said it!

As I've said, this disease has opened my eyes in many ways, and being on disability has made me understand something.

 I worked because I wanted to, I wanted a career, I wanted to travel and I wanted to be the best! It's what I imagined my life would be, to think any other way was simply imposssible. Why wouldn't I want a career? Now, personally, I believe you are born gay.......I  think women are born in the above stated two groups (the sayees or the insultees). One group dreams as a girl to either be wearing a business suit and the other imagines themselves in a ball cap and jeans. That's the simple truth.

So I researched it and there is an actual, Scientific term for it; either procefius nestorus or (pro-nesting) or non- procefius nestorus (anti-nesting). It's in our genes......go figure.

What does this mean? Well, in short, "Stay at Home Moms don't do shit" should not be said, nor should "She's missing the most important time in her kids life", because neither side understands how the other side is wired.

I, thought my career defined me, and spent the last five months mourning the person I was. And I don't care if it's a car or a person, rewiring is a long tough process.

I don't know how I'm going to feel in five minutes or in a day. But today I'm feeling the joy being a precefius nestorus. If it weren't for MS, I would have never understood both sides. That's a good thing!

I had my ahaaa moment and have been tooling around the house doing daily chores (yes, I know there are alot of them) when I realized, "I can feel productive, I can feel peace, I can spend time with my children, I can spend time on myself"

So Venitians can really visit Mars.........who knew?

Cut to me:   I'm smiling, because I know that there is a balance, (I stop smiling and frown) Now I have to find it!!!! Shit!


P.S. I made up both those scientifice terms.....

When I was your age we had books....

As I was packing my office I put away every book neatly in the box, and I realized suddenly that each one has a story. I know, books are all stories, but each on has it's own story of times in my life.

The first book I ever read was Flowers In the Attic when I was 13. It was a story of three children locked in the attice of their Grandmother's mansion by their Mother. I cant believe that was almost thirty years ago.

As each book left the shelf, I cherished and felt every emotion I was feeling in thtat particular time in my life. By their mere existance they actually tell my story. I remembered where I was when I read Clan of the Cave Bear. I remember crying on a flight home from Detroit while reading the Frank Sinatra story written by his daughter. Even the stewardess asked if I was ok I was crying so hard, and I still wonder why that particular book hit me so hard. I was in a hotel in Florida when I was touched so deeply by The Lovely Bones, it so beautifully described Heaven that I was sure I could see what my heaven would look like.

When I reached for 90 Minutes In Heaven it took me right back to the hospital where I watched one of my truest friends pass away from lung cancer. I felt the pain all over again, remembering that I had just been with him swinging on a hammock three days prior.

As the fatigue starts to take over, as it always does, I put the last book I read in that giant box of stories, My First Year with MS.

Im still going to be an avid reader, I got that from my Mother, and now I'm going to recognize in every book, there's a story.

Cut to Me:  I've collected books all my life, only buying hardbacks, hoping to fill a library. And then I realized, are books going away too? Will there be a time very soon that curling up with a good book is a thing of the past? I don't want to read a book on a computer.......I want to feel the weight of it in my lap, I want to pick something wierd as my book mark, but most of all, I want to feel my hand turn each page in anticipation of what the next page will hold.

Holy Shit.....I JUST HAD MY AHHHHHAAAA MOMENT !

Or at least I think its my ahaaa moment. When Oprah says it, I believe!!!!!!

I think it's that moment, when things just couldn't get worse, that you find, hidden under the couch coushins your strength. I almost wanted to say...."Well there you are strength, where  you been hidin little buddy?" And then you walk to some desk or drawyer and you write down goals for tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. A checklist of sorts, that only minutes before had been too overwhelming to bear.

And little by little, day by day, your checklist gets smaller, but your strengths get bigger. A sense of empowerment washes over you, and you realize.......I'm not sittin on the bench.....I want in the game. The storm turns into rain, the rain turns into sprinkles, and the mist turns....... "Got it, a little  too mushy, I think so too."

So if this is what you mean Oprah, when you have your Ahhhhaaaaa moment. I had mine!!!!!

Cut to me: Smiling about my future, planning weeks and moths ahead......"And did I tell you I remembered my best friends Birthday today for the first time in my life, we've been friends almost thirty years... (laughing now) cause it's the only thing in my Blackberry!"

Out of the Mouthes of Babes

Life is difficult for everyone.....in fact have you ever thought the stranger that brushed up against you in the mall or grocery store could have a worse life than you?

My life before and after my diagnosis has been rittled with guilt. I ask myself, as do my counselors, what do you feel guilty about?

With all certainty, I've always answered "everything." It never crossed my mind that my guilt and anxiety were not normal, I truly do not remember a time I didn't have this ten pound guilt weight resting on top of my chest.

This disease, for me, has increased my guilt because all of a sudden I couldn't do the things I did a week ago. It truly seems that this downhill fall happened in seconds. So the guilt built more than I ever thought possible.

"Now what God? You give me children and then take away my ability to do the things I love to do with them. Why cant my body do what my mind and heart wants to do?"

For as long as I can remember, I was proving myself....proving I could be independent, proving that I could compete in any business platform, and proving that I could work hard enough to buy my dream home. I achieved every goal I set, but still a void. After a while, I realized, I don't even know who I'm proving this too! AAAAHHHAAA Moment

These are the gifts that this disease have given me;

Asking and allowing people to help me....really help me is okay.

Giving myself permission to stop trying to prove something..........EXHALE

And lastly, for the first time in my life I stopped feeling responsible for everyone!

Cut to me and my son:  "Mom, do you know what your problem is?"

"No Alec, what"

You worry too much

"I know, I hate worrying"

"Then stop"

"I wish I could it's not that easy, you don't worry Alec"

"No"

"Really nothing.....how do you do that?"

"I just give it to God and he takes care of it for me""   You need to give it to God Mom, that's faith, right?" "Every night we do prayers I get in be and  I say my own..."Dear God, I give yo all my worries, I know you love me and you take care of everyone.....Amen"

Yes, those ae tears in my eays you see, because faith and a warm heart often comes from the most pure of heart. My son saved my life that day........

"Oh My God Becky Look At Her Butt"

Here's a little jingle I just wrote, hope you all love it as much as I do....


Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.


It is so flat. *scoff* She looks like,


one of those white guys' girlfriends.


But, you know, who understands those white guys? *scoff


I mean, her butt, is just so flat.


I can't believe it's just so paper flat, it's like,


not there, I mean - gross. Look!


She's just so ... white!






[Jamie Mix-a-Lot]


I like Flat butts and I can not lie


You other brothers can't deny


That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist


And a flat thing in your face


You get sprung, wanna pull out your specs


'Cause you notice that butt was just like a deck


Deep in the jeans she's wearing


I'm hooked and I can't stop staring


Oh baby, I wanna get with you


And take your picture


My homeboys tried to warn me


But that butt you got makes me so .....horny?????


Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin


You say you wanna get in my Prius?


Well, use me, use me


'Cause you ain't that average groupie


I've seen them dancin'


To hell with romancin'


She's sticklike and scrawny


Got it goin' like a sheet of Brawny


I'm tired of magazines


Sayin' big butts are the thing


Take the average white man and ask him that


She gotta have as ass like a mat


So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)


Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)


Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)


Shake that weakly butt!


Baby aint got back!


Now I'm not one to brag, but I've spend my entire life using my "assets"! I mean if you got it, flaunt it.....right? I'm not ashamed to say that I often wear very high heels to show off my calves. They are absolutely stunning and men have often made flattering comments that make me blush. Ok I'm braggin a bit, but how could I not have a big ego when I get comments like

     "You have two strings hanging from your shorts, I've got scissors"

Even as a young girl, my legs were noticed..... I was the only one on the team that got a nickname......and I still love to be called "chicken legs" to this day!

Modesty is not one of my best traits, so Yeah, I got a flat ass without even having to work at it. Don't be a hater, some are just more blessed than others.

Ohhhhhhhh the balance of life..... we get one gift and sacrifice another......so if it makes any of you feel better, I'm not perfect. Really, I have one really bad body issue, and sometimes I wonder if it's only me on this earth that suffers with this ailment!

Cut To Me:  Ok, lean in, I'm looking both ways out of concern that someone may overhear...This is just between you and me, and this secret must go to your grave. (I'm making you quietly promise and whisper while doing a pinky swear)
Ok, ready??????? My boobs are real........UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!

If you run with the dogs your gonna get fleas....

We all have struggles in our lives, and there are so many things we encounter that can make us stop believing in the good in people......

After surviving cancer thee times, and now MS, I made a pact with myself. I promised I would never stop believing that there is good in anyone and my divine goal in life was to never loose that belief. I always wondered why I made myself so vulnerable to people, and was always so disappointed when those that I believed in, would, almost always, not be what they presented themselves to be.

At forty years old, you would think that life's lessons would harden me....would make me more suspicious...would make me stop believing that there is good....in everyone.
But, as painful as it may be, I continue to believe. It is that belief that some see as weakness, and many times I've been told to stop being so naive. I will admit, those suggestions have almost always turned out to be true, but still, I choose to ignore those warnings.

Here's what I believe....If I can't know in my heart that people are innately good, then I am destined to live my life wondering if every person I come across has an underlying motive.
That is not a world I want to live in! I want to belive in the fairytale, I want to meet people and give them the benefit of the doubt, but most importantly, I want to spend the rest of my days knowing that there is good in the world and that God has given us a choice to be good or bad.

So I get hurt, I get disappointed, I get let down......and I could easily become that untrusting, negative person that the world can create in all of us. But I choose not to! I choose, even at my own sacrifice, to live in the positive.

When it comes down to it, what else do we really have? I don't want to live in a world distrusting everyone I meet. I don't want to live in a world where those who choose to be unethical or dishonest can control my view of the world.

So, do I have a thousand reasons to be a bitter negative person? Absolutely! But the big secret is....I have a choice, and I choose life, happiness, honesty, love, spirituality, and the simple idea that people are good. And when I get hurt, I will not apologize for being nieve, I will feel the hurt and I will move on. I will never give up on looking at life with a glass half full, and if you happen to cross paths with me.....I will believe you are a good person, because in the end, all we really have is our word.

So life happens, we all get hurt, the easy way is to bitterness.....the hard way is to stay positive and believe that you get out of life what you give.

Cut to me: I'm smiling, and remembering all those rare people that touched me, that motivated me, and most of all reminded me.....never give up, there's good in everyone.

Sleep deceleration syndrome.....

I had the weirdest dream last night......how many times have we all said that before? I've always wondered if people dream like me. My dreams are like movies, a beginning, a middle and even an end. Each and every detail is clear and concise, and I sometimes really hate when they're over. Now don't get me wrong, many times I want my ticket money back......kind of my very own "Glitter".
I once had a dream that I was on the top floor of a hospital with my children and the city was flooding. As the water reached the top floor, the doctor gave us all needles to put our children to "sleep", so they would not suffer. In my dream, I can remember as clear as day, looking at the syringes and then looking around the room at all the people (each with their own face and their own children), and desperately hoping one of them would give me the answer. All the while, the water is raising and so is the terror in the room and in my children's eyes. Suddenly, a peace comes over me, and I know that letting my children "sleep" was the right thing to do.

As the water reaches my shoulders, I gently watch as my boys fall asleep. The water is face level and I close my eyes waiting for the inevitable. Then, just like that, the water begins to recede...... Obviously, this was one of my "scary movie nightmares".

I have what I call "moments of light movies" and it's these movies that remind me of my inner strength. I have been nominated for a nobel peace prize for my "Pay it Forward" program I started online, I have turned Brad Pitt away, convincing him to go back to Angelina, and I've even given birth.

Each and every dream is so full of details, colors, and emotions.....does everyone dream as I do? Winning that Oscar was the time of my life......I don't think I'd wear that same dress again though. The tabloids had a field day with me, and I made the worst dressed list!!!!! I really think making that list was a little harsh when Madonna wore that red and white striped getup with the purple velevet hat!

I've never fallen in a dream and actually hit the ground, we all know what happens if you actually hit the ground...... you die. So does that mean when we hear about all those people who pass, quietly in their sleep.....really hit the ground! That would mean that thousands of people die each year from refusing to wake up when they're falling. I did some research and found that this is an actual occurance that is scientifically termed Sleep Deceleration Syndrome, or SDS. Who knew????

Thank goodness I've avoided the SDS diagnosis, with SDS running around killing people in their sleep, this measly little MS diagnosis aint "nuthin but a thang". (Thats jive for no big deal)

I look forward to my nightly movie, and there are many times I want to fall right back to sleep to finish the movie I was playing in my dreams. Who wouldn't want to know how my date night with Jeremy Pivens ends?

I have learned to embrace these movies, knowing that there are little answers buried in them, and I know that these dreams enable me to put my true thoughts of fear, happiness, and confusion into a story that I can understand and enjoy. They are a gift I give myself to let go of old emotional injuries, and to welcome with open arms, my feelings of strength, courage and empowerment.

P.S. I made up SDS

Cut to me: What happened to Jack Handey from SNL? I think comedy that is so stupid and so out of this world wierd is what more people need in this world! In fact, I want to say whatever I want, whenever I want, to whomever I want, and Mr. Handey is my hero! OOOOHHHH, now I'm gettin fired up....... Wanna know something else???? I laugh everytime I see someone fall down! Even if theyre hurt, I still laugh!!!!! Guess what else? When I see a child in a grocery store and their parent isn't looking, I give them a realllllll mean look to intentionally scare them!!! TAKE THAT!!!
I also say "what" to people, even though I clearly heard what they said. I will sometimes make people repeat themselves two or three times, ALL THE WHILE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY INTERNALLY!
When I'm out and about with friends, and we meet a stranger, I instantly introduce myself as Sandy Bishop and give my unkowing friends the name of my choice. I once told someone that me and my friend were on the University of Texas female hockey team! Of course, I was always the star goalie.

When in a hotel, try walking with your friends down the hall towards the elevator, and start running and knocking on every door on the way. Now thats one of my favorite! No matter who it its, they start running too! Nobody wants to be left holding the bag, so they run! Oh God, that's a good one.....

So in my quest for more humor in the world, here are a few things that make me laugh.............do they make you laugh?


Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
Jack Handey

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I
bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.
Jack Handey

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking
about doing that anyway.
Jack Handey

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who
this person was, and why he
had deer horns.
Jack Handey

What if I don't want anymore fucking character???

Do we get a choice to say enough with the Life's lessons? Who gave Life the right to build character when the buildee doesn't want it? What if the buildee is tired and wants to sleep in, but Life is right outside our window at the crack of dawn with hammering, sawing and all kinds of loud noises Life uses when constructing our character? What if I'm sick of looking outside and seeing Life's butt crack while it bends over to grab something, pull your fucking pants up Life!

And what are us women to think when, everytime you pass Life's constructon site, we get jeers, vulgar whistles and barks come flying at us......Like we really care if Life thinks were hot!! Not to mention, who wants a looser construction worker looking at our asses..........even if it is Life.......we don't care! And we are most certainly not flattered! So listen here Life, put down the hammer and nails and leave my character alone!

I sometimes envision Life as the doctor who doesn't have a lick of bedside manner and passes out bad news like candy. I see Life walk in with it's stethoscope around it's neck, oooozing arrogance and no concern for how the news will effect us! Are we supposed to thank Life when it says "Don't worry, I'm building your character?" I think NOT!

So here's to you Life, "keep your fucking hands off my character, I have more than I know what to do with! Jeez, don't you know when your not invited to the party?

Dont get me wrong, my faith tells me that all things happen for a reason, and God has a master plan for everything, but putting a face on Life, sure makes it fun when I throw darts at it! Slamming the steel dart straight in the eye of Life gives me some kind of satisfaction.

Today is an angry day, (I know, I know) it's part of the grief process, and so allow myself to feel everything. I think it's very important to correctly define what it is we are really feeling, anger is simply the top of the iceberg. What lies below the water level , you know that part that is ten times bigger and cant be seen with the naked eye (The Titanic was no match for what was hidden under anger) lies all the feelings that anger hides from us. It is imperative to our healing to identify what each feeling really is; fear, jealousy, indignation, disappointment, and emotional hurt to name a few. Being angry is easy, being determined to face the true feeling causing the anger........now that's what heroes are made of!

I start back on my infusions tomorrow, and because Life decided to start building my character over the last few days, my stuttering has returned, my left side is quickly becoming numb, and the fatigue has kept me in bed. If stress is one of the biggest cause of relapse, then how do we negotiate with Life to keep us calm and peaceful? Because just between you and me, Life can be a real Mother Fucker!

Cut to me: Apelike furrow on my brow....posture as straight as a board....and one hand up, with that cute middle finger perfectly pointing to the ceiling.

I say out loud, adding a brooklyn accent (because cursing with a Brooklyn accent always seems to carry more meaning) "up ur's Life and your early morning hammering!"

"Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.'

We all say really stupid things, and although I'm infamous, I don't think it will be a HUGE scandal if I say I laugh every time I hear someone say "Special Olympics." I don't know why, but it's freggin hysterical that they call it "Special." Now we want high up politicians to be fired for saying retard......"he should resign", come on really?

He's a few comments I found that have absolutely no politically incorrect words.....yet no firestorm.....now I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but these tools are holding high positions in government, and personally, these should be of more concern than "Special, or retarded"; take a look....

"A proof is a proof. What kind of proof? It's a proof. A proof is proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it is proven." - Canadian Prime Minister

"I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it's so petty." - Imelda Marcos, former First Lady and a political figure in the Philippines.

"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the United States

"I do not like this word ‘bomb.’ It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding." - Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

And my all time favorite comes from a lady that has such poise, such modesty, such a deep inner soul, and most of all a great concern for the suffering of others;

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey

So if someone like Mariah Carey can make a slip up, cant we just give the rest of the pack a break? Every since this MS has taken my words, I've had a few slips myself.....

Cut To Me: standing in front of eight doctors, presenting a fabulous presentation, encouraging them to become a client......"Thanks to all of you for your time today, I am aware your time is very vaginal" I meant valuable, but my mouth had other ides.

Not to mention the time I was into my son's basketball game, screaming like every other psycho parent in the stands, rooting for his team which happens to be blue......The clock is counting down with only seconds to go and the ball is knocked out of bounds..........In my loudest Fran Dresher voice I scream "Blue Balls Blue Balls!" The entire gym gets quiet and parents are staring at me when I realize I'm the only one standing up, and I meant to say "Blue's Ball!"

So I laugh when someone says Special Olympics.......... sue me!

WHERE'S MY FREGGIN AFRO????

Now I know I'm not the only one that got mezmerized by Bobb Ross the white guy with the afro:"

And that makes it look like birch trees, isn’t that sneaky? Heh. Ha. It’s gorgeous. "

or

"We want happy paintings. Happy paintings. If you want sad things, watch the news. "

He made it look soooooo easy, so in accepting my MS and how quickly stress can throw me into a tailspin, I thought, "Hey, he looks really peaceful......that's what I need to do.....OIL PAINT!!!!" So I made my daily outing to Hobby Lobby and collected everything I needed to find another fabulous character trait I simply have not tapped into.

One hundred dollars later and hours of trying to get the look I wanted, I say "Fuck You Bobb Ross", oil paints are for white nerds with afros!!!!

My violent outburst made me realized that oil painting, for me anyway, was full of anger and frustration!!!!!!!!!.................. But most importantly, I was far from freggin peaceful! But, not to be outdone by a bunch of little tubes and brushes, I marched right down to Hobby Lobby, and quietly spend over one hundred dollars on acrylic paints!

So now I'm working with a material that is not smarter that me ....like those snobby fukin oils....and I saved money....SO THERE!!.

Anyway, two weeks, five trips to the Lobby later, and I've almost finished my first painting (I don't think I should have to pay for the first five canvases I trashed, it was the oils who decided to be divas and not work with me).

So I'm finally feeling Bob Rossish and I gotta tell you, it feels good to use my creative side again. And quite honestly if I keep up with the fuck ups, I will be forced to get out of this house......if only to return to Hobby Lobby!

Cut to me; finger on chin looking up as if in wonderment... "If it takes a big man to cry, does that mean it takes and even bigger man to publicly laugh at the crying man?""
Jack Handy - SNL"

Is Timing an argument with your kid......

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Hows that Hopey Changy thing working out for ya?

Sarah Palin.....personally I like Tina Fey much better. The sun is out today and I'm in bed, I spent the weekend at a wrestling tournament (regionals for Alec), where he kicked butt and won first place. Then I went straight to Jay's basketball game, it amazes me that he has grown into a guy! He oooooozes cooolness like his mother. Then I saw my lifelong best friend and her beautiful girls after their cheerleading competition. Great day, I dont even care I've been in bed since! So THERE!
You know when your parents said "I hope you have ten kids just like you!!", well, I got two boys full of spit and vinegar, and Robin got two girly girls full of drama and Beauty.

Just remember all you parents out there, that even though we know they will go through many breakups and friend losses in their lives, to them (as it was with us, we just don't remember because soooooooooo much shit happens) it's the end of the world! So please don't minimize.

Cut to me.........Does turning forty mean were really forty? And does it mean we will finally be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people? God I hope so