My Sam.....

It was kill or be killed......a corporate interview that was obviously a tight run! As I walked out, feeling I had nailed the interview, I passed an unassuming man in a great suit, that I knew was my competition. He was the enemy, and he must be destroyed, thank God I was a woman, and he was a man. I knew that in the world of sales, a strong, decent looking woman, that had a good head on her shoulders was very hard to beat in a male dominated client base.

My cockiness was very quickly smashed when I walked into my first day at my new job, telling myself, I was obviously the Best Choice. Wrong! I turned the corner and there he was.....the enemy.

Not only did we both get the job, but he got the job with the instant territory, where, I got the bench position. The bench, as we all knew, was the shitty job, basically the person waiting for someone to fall into the darkness of those who don't meet their quota!

What does this man have that I don't have? Why him and not me? I instantly became his biggest nightmare, I would be the woman, that took the man down! I would show him.....

Two weeks into my shameful lower eschelan of the team, I ended up looking at this man across the table at the local Mexican food hot spot. We measured each other up, asking probing questions of each other, as sales people do, looking for any sign of weakness.

I noticed his wedding band and rudely asked, "So what does your wife do?", he smiled and averted his gaze. I saw instantly that he was obviously uncomfortable and I jumped to the conclusion that here was another Man in front of me that was "unhappy in his marriage."

To my shock and surprise, he lifted his head and I was taken aback by his gorgeous blue eyes. They were full of life, and his grin was like he had the secret to the world and I wanted to know that secret. All of a sudden, he wasn't my enemy, but someone I wanted to know more about.

Within minutes, he took off his wedding ring, and he looked at me with the most honest, soul baring expression that I was almost afraid of what he would say. God, please don't let this be just another come on!

I couldn't have been more wrong. Sam, looked directly in my eyes and said "i am Gay", and to my astonishment, without even thinking, I jumped up and hugged him as if I'd known him all my life. I knew instantly that this was the first man I would ever know that didn't have ulterior motives. I could feel safe with him and as I hugged him I surprised myself when I said "I am so glad to know you."

His name was Sam, and he became my safe place to fall. Sam, with his mischievous smile and dancing blue eyes became my companion, my confidant, my savior. I watched him over the next few years and he never ceased to amaze me how he looked at the world, and at me. Here is a gay man, in Texas, with the most amazing outlook on life. Although he faced judgement daily, and was many times treated as a second class citizen, he never lost his smile, his lust for life and his neverending belief in the good in people.

We became inseparable, we shopped, we vacationed together, we cried together, we snuggled in one bed watching cheesy chick flicks on business trips, he was my everything. His husband, as did mine, became fiercely jealous of the time we spent together, and we secretly laughed when one of us was being scolded for not coming straight home from work. He was my heroin and I was completely addicted! I made up a song with his name in it, and any time I sang it, he had to dance, and dance he did!

We counselled each other on working harder, marital issues, and becoming better people. When my marriage began to fall apart, we spent many hours talking and me crying, but Sam always knew what to say to make me smile. "Jamie, there are women all over this world who are going through  the exact same suffering, the difference is........they're fat!" He meant no harm, and I knew it, and  we laughed until we cried.

It was Friday, and Sam and I had been making business calls all day, and we decided to go to my house for a quick glass of wine (we both knew a quick glass meant he'd be there for hours and get scolded when he got home). Always dressed to the nine's, it didn't seem unusual that we were hiking through the woods behind my house and Sam had on a suit and tie. The hammock we finally found was, as most hammocks are, a death trap. It was huge and I started giving him directions on how to safely get on...."Oh Jamie shut up, I'm from Oregon, we know hammocks!" We both laughed because we knew that there are no hammocks in Oregon, as he began to lower himself onto the hammock. And just like that, the hammock flipped and Sam (suit and all) ended up face first with a loud thud! I know it hurt him, but it was just so funny that the pain wasn't important.

After we both safely got on the hammock we stared up at the starts and talked and talked for hours. I remember thinking to myself, life is good, and this Man is quite possibly the most important person in  my life.

Two weeks later, I was running down the hall of the ICU unit. I got there just in time to watch the life of My Sam drift out of his beautiful blue eyes. Just like that he was gone. The man that never smoked a day in his life died of lung cancer two weeks after our night in the hammock.

That was the second time  I watched someone I loved pass to the other side, and although I was grateful I made it there in time, I knew that the loss of My Sam would forever leave a painful hole in my heart and most definantly my life.

Cut to me:  "Sam, I love you and miss you every day!"