OMG.......I'M A VAMPIRE!!

Don't be alarmed, I mean you no harm, I despise the taste of blood, but rather prefer a nice cab/Merlot mix. May I pour you a glass?
Now as unbelievable as this may seem, you must listen carefully.....
I am over fourteen thousand days old, and this is my story.
I'm not sure when I first became the monster you see before you today, for I too was a Human once.

I remember fondly the days I spent frolicking in the sunshine as if it were merely yesterday. I can still smell the faint odor of iodine and baby oil of yester year that my companions and I lathered our bodies with to change the color of our skin. Ah yes, the sting of my skin after seventy two hours on the beaches of far away lands.....

But, alas, the memory of the sun's glow has begun to fade, for I am a creature of the night now, never to walk the greens chasing that little white ball again...

What is that you say? Yes, I know the opaque color of my skin is very beautiful, but do not envy me! For the life of a Vampire is not always as it appears.

Hush now, do not pity me, I have come to terms with the knowledge that all the other Vampires get movie roles.  And I'm truly accustomed to the fact that my skin, although see through, does not sparkle in the sunlight.

Well, no, I cannot fly!
No, I cannot move faster than the human eye!
You got me there, I cannot read your thoughts either!
I never said I was a good vampire....in fact it appears I rather suck at it........no pun intended.
What is that you say? Maybe I'm not a Vampire?
Now that is where you are wrong! It is Vampires that move only in the night, am I correct?
Don't be stupid, I sleep in a bed...........
No, I am not on either team, I do not even know this Jacob or Bella you speak of!
Now you must go, and run swiftly, I cannot promise your safety anymore. But tell others of my existence, let the world know that Vampires walk among you!
Stop laughing!

Cut to me: Staring at a photo I just took of myself, I thought Vampires did not show up on film.........Maybe I'm a Hobbit!