What if I don't want anymore fucking character???

Do we get a choice to say enough with the Life's lessons? Who gave Life the right to build character when the buildee doesn't want it? What if the buildee is tired and wants to sleep in, but Life is right outside our window at the crack of dawn with hammering, sawing and all kinds of loud noises Life uses when constructing our character? What if I'm sick of looking outside and seeing Life's butt crack while it bends over to grab something, pull your fucking pants up Life!

And what are us women to think when, everytime you pass Life's constructon site, we get jeers, vulgar whistles and barks come flying at us......Like we really care if Life thinks were hot!! Not to mention, who wants a looser construction worker looking at our asses..........even if it is Life.......we don't care! And we are most certainly not flattered! So listen here Life, put down the hammer and nails and leave my character alone!

I sometimes envision Life as the doctor who doesn't have a lick of bedside manner and passes out bad news like candy. I see Life walk in with it's stethoscope around it's neck, oooozing arrogance and no concern for how the news will effect us! Are we supposed to thank Life when it says "Don't worry, I'm building your character?" I think NOT!

So here's to you Life, "keep your fucking hands off my character, I have more than I know what to do with! Jeez, don't you know when your not invited to the party?

Dont get me wrong, my faith tells me that all things happen for a reason, and God has a master plan for everything, but putting a face on Life, sure makes it fun when I throw darts at it! Slamming the steel dart straight in the eye of Life gives me some kind of satisfaction.

Today is an angry day, (I know, I know) it's part of the grief process, and so allow myself to feel everything. I think it's very important to correctly define what it is we are really feeling, anger is simply the top of the iceberg. What lies below the water level , you know that part that is ten times bigger and cant be seen with the naked eye (The Titanic was no match for what was hidden under anger) lies all the feelings that anger hides from us. It is imperative to our healing to identify what each feeling really is; fear, jealousy, indignation, disappointment, and emotional hurt to name a few. Being angry is easy, being determined to face the true feeling causing the anger........now that's what heroes are made of!

I start back on my infusions tomorrow, and because Life decided to start building my character over the last few days, my stuttering has returned, my left side is quickly becoming numb, and the fatigue has kept me in bed. If stress is one of the biggest cause of relapse, then how do we negotiate with Life to keep us calm and peaceful? Because just between you and me, Life can be a real Mother Fucker!

Cut to me: Apelike furrow on my brow....posture as straight as a board....and one hand up, with that cute middle finger perfectly pointing to the ceiling.

I say out loud, adding a brooklyn accent (because cursing with a Brooklyn accent always seems to carry more meaning) "up ur's Life and your early morning hammering!"