When I started this blog, it was for me to let go of the overwhelming things that were going on in my mind after being diagnosed with a lifelong disease. A way of letting go through laughter, anger, sadness, fear, confusion, guilt...... but most of all laughter.
For those who don't know this, laughter is almost always used as a mask. It is easy to hide behind people's laughter, plus, laughter is a win win situation for everyone involved, (most of the time).
But I forgot what this blog was really about, whether no eyes ever read these words, I will say what I feel. As inappropriate, or cynical, or "angry", I may sound, these are my feelings, I own them, and I want these words to show me!
Even if it's the me that's mad, terrified, and yes, even angry!
Because whether I say Fuck, or whether I forget to make a joke, the truth is there are words I hear that suck,and are scairy and sometimes, Hell Yes I'm Pissed....So What!
'You cannot work, your disease is progressive"
"I am here to disconnect your electricity"
"If I take that IV out on my own, will it save me 300 dollars"
"Really, I know I have to be out of here by the 30th, I promise I'll be out"
"How long will I be on home heath?"
"Will my left eye ever stop sagging?"
"So I can't play anymore........ever?'
I can't be funny when nothing's funny, I will curse when I want to, and I will scream from the top of my lungs.........MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS....REEEEAAAAAALY......WHAT THE FUCK????
This blog is not for those who don't like seeing the ugly side, becuase there is a very ugly side. It is grieving the loss of someone you used to be, all because of some little sore on my brain?! It is not easy, nor is it funny, so I will continue to write, but please understand that I am just dealing with life, this blog is for me, not anyone else.
So this blog is going to be what it started off as, my mind working in another way, my way of finding light in a what could easily remain a dark and scairy place, these are me, and these are my words.
If you want to know me, then I really must be me.....right????
Cut To Me..... Surprised that I'm really having to recreate me, is there a book on tape on how do do that?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
NOW I KNOW WHY OLD PEOPLE ARE SOOO MEAN!!
I turned forty this year, so I'd say I'm not a spring chicken anymore, but as I've aged I've often wondered why older people you encounter in public are almost always mean, gruff, rude, whatever word you choose?You know the people I'm talking about, not all old people, the ones that are rude to waitresses and have that Scrooge look about them.
Year after year, I find myself understanding that they are who they are because, quite frankly, life kicked them in the balls just one too many times! And they should be............
I've spent most of my life working more than one job, even after I graduated from college, or climbing up the ranks in corporate America. To say I'm a hard worker is an understatement. So, you can imagine how this disease taking away my ability to work is like greaving the death of a person I will never be again.
I'd like to say I'm tougher than most, but most of the time I'm just fakin it! It's more fun giving people the benefit of the doubt than thinking everyone's out to screw you. Or is it??
Going on Short Term disability was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, what am I worth if I'm not bringing home a paycheck???? Never did it enter my mind that the insurance policies I have would consider an mri I had two years before my diagnosis, which was never read by a physician, would cause my MS to be a Pre-Existing Condition!!!
I remember the "Save The World" drive I felt when I graduated from college to save criminals from reoffending, the parents I coached and the students I counseled. I remember the exhiliration I felt when I changed careers and made my first sale. I remember the first Million dollars I made my company in one year, but what I remember the most is the safety I felt knowing I could financially support my family.
Now, a woman in another state somewhere, concludes my MS was pre-existing and that I am not eligible for Long Term Disability. HMMMMMM
I'm not whining about my financial situation, well maybe a little, I know it's hard out there for everyone, but to make six figures one year and then loose my home the next is unacceptable. I'm feel my brow furrow, and a sadness that maybe most people don't deserve the "benefit of the doubt" So no wonder when people say "read the fine print!" What they're really saying is, "there's a loophole in everything! your gonna get screwed!" And no wonder the print is "FINE!"
Ok, so yes I'm gruff, I just got kicked in the balls, again! What's really the zinger is I send UNUM, my provider, all my business.....
Cut to me: Staring at the ceiling, saying aloud, I'm forty and this is my life?
Year after year, I find myself understanding that they are who they are because, quite frankly, life kicked them in the balls just one too many times! And they should be............
I've spent most of my life working more than one job, even after I graduated from college, or climbing up the ranks in corporate America. To say I'm a hard worker is an understatement. So, you can imagine how this disease taking away my ability to work is like greaving the death of a person I will never be again.
I'd like to say I'm tougher than most, but most of the time I'm just fakin it! It's more fun giving people the benefit of the doubt than thinking everyone's out to screw you. Or is it??
Going on Short Term disability was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, what am I worth if I'm not bringing home a paycheck???? Never did it enter my mind that the insurance policies I have would consider an mri I had two years before my diagnosis, which was never read by a physician, would cause my MS to be a Pre-Existing Condition!!!
I remember the "Save The World" drive I felt when I graduated from college to save criminals from reoffending, the parents I coached and the students I counseled. I remember the exhiliration I felt when I changed careers and made my first sale. I remember the first Million dollars I made my company in one year, but what I remember the most is the safety I felt knowing I could financially support my family.
Now, a woman in another state somewhere, concludes my MS was pre-existing and that I am not eligible for Long Term Disability. HMMMMMM
I'm not whining about my financial situation, well maybe a little, I know it's hard out there for everyone, but to make six figures one year and then loose my home the next is unacceptable. I'm feel my brow furrow, and a sadness that maybe most people don't deserve the "benefit of the doubt" So no wonder when people say "read the fine print!" What they're really saying is, "there's a loophole in everything! your gonna get screwed!" And no wonder the print is "FINE!"
Ok, so yes I'm gruff, I just got kicked in the balls, again! What's really the zinger is I send UNUM, my provider, all my business.....
Cut to me: Staring at the ceiling, saying aloud, I'm forty and this is my life?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Stay at home Moms dont do shit.......
The way I see it, there are two types of people in the world....the people who say that, and the people that are insulted by it.
I said it!
As I've said, this disease has opened my eyes in many ways, and being on disability has made me understand something.
I worked because I wanted to, I wanted a career, I wanted to travel and I wanted to be the best! It's what I imagined my life would be, to think any other way was simply imposssible. Why wouldn't I want a career? Now, personally, I believe you are born gay.......I think women are born in the above stated two groups (the sayees or the insultees). One group dreams as a girl to either be wearing a business suit and the other imagines themselves in a ball cap and jeans. That's the simple truth.
So I researched it and there is an actual, Scientific term for it; either procefius nestorus or (pro-nesting) or non- procefius nestorus (anti-nesting). It's in our genes......go figure.
What does this mean? Well, in short, "Stay at Home Moms don't do shit" should not be said, nor should "She's missing the most important time in her kids life", because neither side understands how the other side is wired.
I, thought my career defined me, and spent the last five months mourning the person I was. And I don't care if it's a car or a person, rewiring is a long tough process.
I don't know how I'm going to feel in five minutes or in a day. But today I'm feeling the joy being a precefius nestorus. If it weren't for MS, I would have never understood both sides. That's a good thing!
I had my ahaaa moment and have been tooling around the house doing daily chores (yes, I know there are alot of them) when I realized, "I can feel productive, I can feel peace, I can spend time with my children, I can spend time on myself"
So Venitians can really visit Mars.........who knew?
Cut to me: I'm smiling, because I know that there is a balance, (I stop smiling and frown) Now I have to find it!!!! Shit!
P.S. I made up both those scientifice terms.....
I said it!
As I've said, this disease has opened my eyes in many ways, and being on disability has made me understand something.
I worked because I wanted to, I wanted a career, I wanted to travel and I wanted to be the best! It's what I imagined my life would be, to think any other way was simply imposssible. Why wouldn't I want a career? Now, personally, I believe you are born gay.......I think women are born in the above stated two groups (the sayees or the insultees). One group dreams as a girl to either be wearing a business suit and the other imagines themselves in a ball cap and jeans. That's the simple truth.
So I researched it and there is an actual, Scientific term for it; either procefius nestorus or (pro-nesting) or non- procefius nestorus (anti-nesting). It's in our genes......go figure.
What does this mean? Well, in short, "Stay at Home Moms don't do shit" should not be said, nor should "She's missing the most important time in her kids life", because neither side understands how the other side is wired.
I, thought my career defined me, and spent the last five months mourning the person I was. And I don't care if it's a car or a person, rewiring is a long tough process.
I don't know how I'm going to feel in five minutes or in a day. But today I'm feeling the joy being a precefius nestorus. If it weren't for MS, I would have never understood both sides. That's a good thing!
I had my ahaaa moment and have been tooling around the house doing daily chores (yes, I know there are alot of them) when I realized, "I can feel productive, I can feel peace, I can spend time with my children, I can spend time on myself"
So Venitians can really visit Mars.........who knew?
Cut to me: I'm smiling, because I know that there is a balance, (I stop smiling and frown) Now I have to find it!!!! Shit!
P.S. I made up both those scientifice terms.....
Saturday, March 20, 2010
When I was your age we had books....
As I was packing my office I put away every book neatly in the box, and I realized suddenly that each one has a story. I know, books are all stories, but each on has it's own story of times in my life.
The first book I ever read was Flowers In the Attic when I was 13. It was a story of three children locked in the attice of their Grandmother's mansion by their Mother. I cant believe that was almost thirty years ago.
As each book left the shelf, I cherished and felt every emotion I was feeling in thtat particular time in my life. By their mere existance they actually tell my story. I remembered where I was when I read Clan of the Cave Bear. I remember crying on a flight home from Detroit while reading the Frank Sinatra story written by his daughter. Even the stewardess asked if I was ok I was crying so hard, and I still wonder why that particular book hit me so hard. I was in a hotel in Florida when I was touched so deeply by The Lovely Bones, it so beautifully described Heaven that I was sure I could see what my heaven would look like.
When I reached for 90 Minutes In Heaven it took me right back to the hospital where I watched one of my truest friends pass away from lung cancer. I felt the pain all over again, remembering that I had just been with him swinging on a hammock three days prior.
As the fatigue starts to take over, as it always does, I put the last book I read in that giant box of stories, My First Year with MS.
Im still going to be an avid reader, I got that from my Mother, and now I'm going to recognize in every book, there's a story.
Cut to Me: I've collected books all my life, only buying hardbacks, hoping to fill a library. And then I realized, are books going away too? Will there be a time very soon that curling up with a good book is a thing of the past? I don't want to read a book on a computer.......I want to feel the weight of it in my lap, I want to pick something wierd as my book mark, but most of all, I want to feel my hand turn each page in anticipation of what the next page will hold.
The first book I ever read was Flowers In the Attic when I was 13. It was a story of three children locked in the attice of their Grandmother's mansion by their Mother. I cant believe that was almost thirty years ago.
As each book left the shelf, I cherished and felt every emotion I was feeling in thtat particular time in my life. By their mere existance they actually tell my story. I remembered where I was when I read Clan of the Cave Bear. I remember crying on a flight home from Detroit while reading the Frank Sinatra story written by his daughter. Even the stewardess asked if I was ok I was crying so hard, and I still wonder why that particular book hit me so hard. I was in a hotel in Florida when I was touched so deeply by The Lovely Bones, it so beautifully described Heaven that I was sure I could see what my heaven would look like.
When I reached for 90 Minutes In Heaven it took me right back to the hospital where I watched one of my truest friends pass away from lung cancer. I felt the pain all over again, remembering that I had just been with him swinging on a hammock three days prior.
As the fatigue starts to take over, as it always does, I put the last book I read in that giant box of stories, My First Year with MS.
Im still going to be an avid reader, I got that from my Mother, and now I'm going to recognize in every book, there's a story.
Cut to Me: I've collected books all my life, only buying hardbacks, hoping to fill a library. And then I realized, are books going away too? Will there be a time very soon that curling up with a good book is a thing of the past? I don't want to read a book on a computer.......I want to feel the weight of it in my lap, I want to pick something wierd as my book mark, but most of all, I want to feel my hand turn each page in anticipation of what the next page will hold.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Holy Shit.....I JUST HAD MY AHHHHHAAAA MOMENT !
Or at least I think its my ahaaa moment. When Oprah says it, I believe!!!!!!
I think it's that moment, when things just couldn't get worse, that you find, hidden under the couch coushins your strength. I almost wanted to say...."Well there you are strength, where you been hidin little buddy?" And then you walk to some desk or drawyer and you write down goals for tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. A checklist of sorts, that only minutes before had been too overwhelming to bear.
And little by little, day by day, your checklist gets smaller, but your strengths get bigger. A sense of empowerment washes over you, and you realize.......I'm not sittin on the bench.....I want in the game. The storm turns into rain, the rain turns into sprinkles, and the mist turns....... "Got it, a little too mushy, I think so too."
So if this is what you mean Oprah, when you have your Ahhhhaaaaa moment. I had mine!!!!!
Cut to me: Smiling about my future, planning weeks and moths ahead......"And did I tell you I remembered my best friends Birthday today for the first time in my life, we've been friends almost thirty years... (laughing now) cause it's the only thing in my Blackberry!"
I think it's that moment, when things just couldn't get worse, that you find, hidden under the couch coushins your strength. I almost wanted to say...."Well there you are strength, where you been hidin little buddy?" And then you walk to some desk or drawyer and you write down goals for tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. A checklist of sorts, that only minutes before had been too overwhelming to bear.
And little by little, day by day, your checklist gets smaller, but your strengths get bigger. A sense of empowerment washes over you, and you realize.......I'm not sittin on the bench.....I want in the game. The storm turns into rain, the rain turns into sprinkles, and the mist turns....... "Got it, a little too mushy, I think so too."
So if this is what you mean Oprah, when you have your Ahhhhaaaaa moment. I had mine!!!!!
Cut to me: Smiling about my future, planning weeks and moths ahead......"And did I tell you I remembered my best friends Birthday today for the first time in my life, we've been friends almost thirty years... (laughing now) cause it's the only thing in my Blackberry!"
Out of the Mouthes of Babes
Life is difficult for everyone.....in fact have you ever thought the stranger that brushed up against you in the mall or grocery store could have a worse life than you?
My life before and after my diagnosis has been rittled with guilt. I ask myself, as do my counselors, what do you feel guilty about?
With all certainty, I've always answered "everything." It never crossed my mind that my guilt and anxiety were not normal, I truly do not remember a time I didn't have this ten pound guilt weight resting on top of my chest.
This disease, for me, has increased my guilt because all of a sudden I couldn't do the things I did a week ago. It truly seems that this downhill fall happened in seconds. So the guilt built more than I ever thought possible.
"Now what God? You give me children and then take away my ability to do the things I love to do with them. Why cant my body do what my mind and heart wants to do?"
For as long as I can remember, I was proving myself....proving I could be independent, proving that I could compete in any business platform, and proving that I could work hard enough to buy my dream home. I achieved every goal I set, but still a void. After a while, I realized, I don't even know who I'm proving this too! AAAAHHHAAA Moment
These are the gifts that this disease have given me;
Asking and allowing people to help me....really help me is okay.
Giving myself permission to stop trying to prove something..........EXHALE
And lastly, for the first time in my life I stopped feeling responsible for everyone!
Cut to me and my son: "Mom, do you know what your problem is?"
"No Alec, what"
You worry too much
"I know, I hate worrying"
"Then stop"
"I wish I could it's not that easy, you don't worry Alec"
"No"
"Really nothing.....how do you do that?"
"I just give it to God and he takes care of it for me"" You need to give it to God Mom, that's faith, right?" "Every night we do prayers I get in be and I say my own..."Dear God, I give yo all my worries, I know you love me and you take care of everyone.....Amen"
Yes, those ae tears in my eays you see, because faith and a warm heart often comes from the most pure of heart. My son saved my life that day........
My life before and after my diagnosis has been rittled with guilt. I ask myself, as do my counselors, what do you feel guilty about?
With all certainty, I've always answered "everything." It never crossed my mind that my guilt and anxiety were not normal, I truly do not remember a time I didn't have this ten pound guilt weight resting on top of my chest.
This disease, for me, has increased my guilt because all of a sudden I couldn't do the things I did a week ago. It truly seems that this downhill fall happened in seconds. So the guilt built more than I ever thought possible.
"Now what God? You give me children and then take away my ability to do the things I love to do with them. Why cant my body do what my mind and heart wants to do?"
For as long as I can remember, I was proving myself....proving I could be independent, proving that I could compete in any business platform, and proving that I could work hard enough to buy my dream home. I achieved every goal I set, but still a void. After a while, I realized, I don't even know who I'm proving this too! AAAAHHHAAA Moment
These are the gifts that this disease have given me;
Asking and allowing people to help me....really help me is okay.
Giving myself permission to stop trying to prove something..........EXHALE
And lastly, for the first time in my life I stopped feeling responsible for everyone!
Cut to me and my son: "Mom, do you know what your problem is?"
"No Alec, what"
You worry too much
"I know, I hate worrying"
"Then stop"
"I wish I could it's not that easy, you don't worry Alec"
"No"
"Really nothing.....how do you do that?"
"I just give it to God and he takes care of it for me"" You need to give it to God Mom, that's faith, right?" "Every night we do prayers I get in be and I say my own..."Dear God, I give yo all my worries, I know you love me and you take care of everyone.....Amen"
Yes, those ae tears in my eays you see, because faith and a warm heart often comes from the most pure of heart. My son saved my life that day........
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
"Oh My God Becky Look At Her Butt"
Here's a little jingle I just wrote, hope you all love it as much as I do....
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so flat. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those white guys' girlfriends.
But, you know, who understands those white guys? *scoff
I mean, her butt, is just so flat.
I can't believe it's just so paper flat, it's like,
not there, I mean - gross. Look!
She's just so ... white!
[Jamie Mix-a-Lot]
I like Flat butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a flat thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your specs
'Cause you notice that butt was just like a deck
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so .....horny?????
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Prius?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sticklike and scrawny
Got it goin' like a sheet of Brawny
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' big butts are the thing
Take the average white man and ask him that
She gotta have as ass like a mat
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that weakly butt!
Baby aint got back!
Now I'm not one to brag, but I've spend my entire life using my "assets"! I mean if you got it, flaunt it.....right? I'm not ashamed to say that I often wear very high heels to show off my calves. They are absolutely stunning and men have often made flattering comments that make me blush. Ok I'm braggin a bit, but how could I not have a big ego when I get comments like
"You have two strings hanging from your shorts, I've got scissors"
Even as a young girl, my legs were noticed..... I was the only one on the team that got a nickname......and I still love to be called "chicken legs" to this day!
Modesty is not one of my best traits, so Yeah, I got a flat ass without even having to work at it. Don't be a hater, some are just more blessed than others.
Ohhhhhhhh the balance of life..... we get one gift and sacrifice another......so if it makes any of you feel better, I'm not perfect. Really, I have one really bad body issue, and sometimes I wonder if it's only me on this earth that suffers with this ailment!
Cut To Me: Ok, lean in, I'm looking both ways out of concern that someone may overhear...This is just between you and me, and this secret must go to your grave. (I'm making you quietly promise and whisper while doing a pinky swear)
Ok, ready??????? My boobs are real........UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so flat. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those white guys' girlfriends.
But, you know, who understands those white guys? *scoff
I mean, her butt, is just so flat.
I can't believe it's just so paper flat, it's like,
not there, I mean - gross. Look!
She's just so ... white!
[Jamie Mix-a-Lot]
I like Flat butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a flat thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your specs
'Cause you notice that butt was just like a deck
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so .....horny?????
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Prius?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sticklike and scrawny
Got it goin' like a sheet of Brawny
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' big butts are the thing
Take the average white man and ask him that
She gotta have as ass like a mat
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that weakly butt!
Baby aint got back!
Now I'm not one to brag, but I've spend my entire life using my "assets"! I mean if you got it, flaunt it.....right? I'm not ashamed to say that I often wear very high heels to show off my calves. They are absolutely stunning and men have often made flattering comments that make me blush. Ok I'm braggin a bit, but how could I not have a big ego when I get comments like
"You have two strings hanging from your shorts, I've got scissors"
Even as a young girl, my legs were noticed..... I was the only one on the team that got a nickname......and I still love to be called "chicken legs" to this day!
Modesty is not one of my best traits, so Yeah, I got a flat ass without even having to work at it. Don't be a hater, some are just more blessed than others.
Ohhhhhhhh the balance of life..... we get one gift and sacrifice another......so if it makes any of you feel better, I'm not perfect. Really, I have one really bad body issue, and sometimes I wonder if it's only me on this earth that suffers with this ailment!
Cut To Me: Ok, lean in, I'm looking both ways out of concern that someone may overhear...This is just between you and me, and this secret must go to your grave. (I'm making you quietly promise and whisper while doing a pinky swear)
Ok, ready??????? My boobs are real........UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
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