Uncle! Uncle! Uncle!

When they say "God only gives us what  we can handle" I am certain that God has overestimated what I can "handle."
In forty years I've never felt hopeless, weak, or unsure the sun will come up tomorrow. In one year these feelings are more common than not.
As I was speaking with my Neurologist about my state of desperation, he actually let me know that one of my new lesions could have possibly permenantly affected my coping skills.......
How in the world can I  be a strong, happy and independent woman, and in the blink of an eye I'm here.

Cut to me: On my knees.......saying out loud........UNCLE already! Really, UNCLE

What does Taking the High Road Really Mean????

As I've aged, hopefully gracefully, I've promised myself, and my higher power, that the second half of my life would be spent "taking the high road!"
Through a chronic illness, and a "not so nice" divorce, I've maintained my approach that if I can just stay on the right side of the conflict, then I would come out of all of this, clean and proud....
So I ask myself, " does taking the high road mean not defending myself?" Through months of mudslinging, and weeks of hearing my life dragged through the mud, I can't lie, it was difficult to bite my lip.....But bite my lip I did.
It wasn't until my children began to speak of things they were told, many that were true, and many that were not that I had to remind myself, over and over, these things are not for the ears of young children.But with that I also asked myself........Do I defend myself? Do I wait and pray that someday, my refusal to play this game, will be seen later by my boys as "my mom never told us bad things", so she must be nicer, better, or...........exactly what we were being told.
All the books say, never speak ill of your co-parent, for it will come back to haunt you....does that mean never paint the true picture?
I have alot to say! I have alot to disprove! But most of all, I know the truth. And my half of the truth is not pretty, or perfect.....and seeing my faults used as weapons is most definantly what divorce is about.
But my choice to take the high road.....I fear it may have done more damage than speaking the truth.
Do I pay for my sins, and keep the sins of others a secret? What a connundrum? I want to scream to the world, I made mistakes, but what if the world knew what I knew?
Taking the high road, quite frankly, has not proven to be the best choice, but what are my options? Destroy the vision my children have of their father?
I cannot do that....... but I have to say, the suffering is difficult! The desire to paint the real picture is strong and whispers in my ear regularly!

Cut to me:  It's true....having children and protecting them from the stupid mistakes that adults make is the right thing to do! I pray that biting my tongue doesn't bite me in the ass later!

I'm Jamie Winborn-Svoboda and here's my issue........

You don't know what to expect when you get diagnosed with any disease, but sometimes, even the most shocking things can take you aback.........

Is it wierd that the father of your children is requesting that my estate be financially responsible for my children upon my death?

Now I may be sick, but I most definantly am not on the fast track to the dirt bed!

Not wanting to pay for child support is one thing, but trying to gain financially on the death of the mother of your kiddos.......when that Mother is not critical..........that's something Gary Coleman's ex would do.

Cut to Me:  Dear me; marrying someone to have a family is never a good idea. Let's try to be a little more choosy next time. Top three musts; a job, a life goal, mustn't live with parent's....that's a good place to start.

OMG.......I'M A VAMPIRE!!

Don't be alarmed, I mean you no harm, I despise the taste of blood, but rather prefer a nice cab/Merlot mix. May I pour you a glass?
Now as unbelievable as this may seem, you must listen carefully.....
I am over fourteen thousand days old, and this is my story.
I'm not sure when I first became the monster you see before you today, for I too was a Human once.

I remember fondly the days I spent frolicking in the sunshine as if it were merely yesterday. I can still smell the faint odor of iodine and baby oil of yester year that my companions and I lathered our bodies with to change the color of our skin. Ah yes, the sting of my skin after seventy two hours on the beaches of far away lands.....

But, alas, the memory of the sun's glow has begun to fade, for I am a creature of the night now, never to walk the greens chasing that little white ball again...

What is that you say? Yes, I know the opaque color of my skin is very beautiful, but do not envy me! For the life of a Vampire is not always as it appears.

Hush now, do not pity me, I have come to terms with the knowledge that all the other Vampires get movie roles.  And I'm truly accustomed to the fact that my skin, although see through, does not sparkle in the sunlight.

Well, no, I cannot fly!
No, I cannot move faster than the human eye!
You got me there, I cannot read your thoughts either!
I never said I was a good vampire....in fact it appears I rather suck at it........no pun intended.
What is that you say? Maybe I'm not a Vampire?
Now that is where you are wrong! It is Vampires that move only in the night, am I correct?
Don't be stupid, I sleep in a bed...........
No, I am not on either team, I do not even know this Jacob or Bella you speak of!
Now you must go, and run swiftly, I cannot promise your safety anymore. But tell others of my existence, let the world know that Vampires walk among you!
Stop laughing!

Cut to me: Staring at a photo I just took of myself, I thought Vampires did not show up on film.........Maybe I'm a Hobbit!

You know, this disease you have is really serious...

It's funny when I hear people in my life talk about my disease. Tonight I heard my ex husband say that it was inevitable that I will be in a wheelchair....he works at the Scooter Store. He was quick to point out that most of his clients were MS patients.
I laughed out loud, thinking that this disease will not put me in a wheelchair, much less a scooter.....Although, many of the patients I get my infusions with do come in on scooters or walkers.
Why do I find this funny? Because obviously this man does not know me or my strength.
My future may hold many things, and this disease may take it's course, but there is absolutely nothing that this disease can do to me that will take away who I am or what I am capable of!
I am strong, I am able to walk, I am still a whole person, and when I encounter people that automatically put me in a wheelchair, I laugh!
I laugh, because I am stronger than this disease, I am stronger than what people think is my future.....I am Jamie.....and those who know me well, know that I will never lie down and accept that MS is my downfall.
MS has given me gifts.....gifts of time with my children,  gifts of time to discover who I am, gifts of not having the world on my shoulders, and the gift of time alone.
This time alone has opened many doors, some great, and some completely terrifying! But time to look at me.
Who am i? Why do I feel the way I do? Why do I suffer from the past:? How can I accept my past injuries and move on?
But most importantly, what am I supposed to get from this disease?
I know this......I am not destined for a wheelchair, I am not destined to be dependant, and I have not lost the fire that lives within me!
We are defined, not by our health, but what we do with our life!
I choose to be defined by my accomplishments, as a mother, as a friend, as a person! And I embrace who I am, why I am who I am, and who I want to be from this day forward.
If, for some terrible reason, I am stuck in a wheelchair, I can promise this......I will be the most fabulous wheelchair bound person anyone has ever known!

We are not defined by our past, we are not defined by our future....we are defined by what and who we are today!
Today, I choose life, strength, faith, and happiness! Thank you God for the gift of choice!

Cut to Me:  This rollercoaster I am on will eventually slow down......please God, let this rollercoaster slow down!

Sarcasim is the lowest form of wit......

I don't know about that.....After all, Al Gore invented the Internet! Yeah that's right, and if it weren't for someone stumbling upon his "lock box", we all may have never known the freedom of paying our bills on line...

Cut To Me:  Man I'm Hurtin for Material.......Slow day at the looney bin

My Sam.....

It was kill or be killed......a corporate interview that was obviously a tight run! As I walked out, feeling I had nailed the interview, I passed an unassuming man in a great suit, that I knew was my competition. He was the enemy, and he must be destroyed, thank God I was a woman, and he was a man. I knew that in the world of sales, a strong, decent looking woman, that had a good head on her shoulders was very hard to beat in a male dominated client base.

My cockiness was very quickly smashed when I walked into my first day at my new job, telling myself, I was obviously the Best Choice. Wrong! I turned the corner and there he was.....the enemy.

Not only did we both get the job, but he got the job with the instant territory, where, I got the bench position. The bench, as we all knew, was the shitty job, basically the person waiting for someone to fall into the darkness of those who don't meet their quota!

What does this man have that I don't have? Why him and not me? I instantly became his biggest nightmare, I would be the woman, that took the man down! I would show him.....

Two weeks into my shameful lower eschelan of the team, I ended up looking at this man across the table at the local Mexican food hot spot. We measured each other up, asking probing questions of each other, as sales people do, looking for any sign of weakness.

I noticed his wedding band and rudely asked, "So what does your wife do?", he smiled and averted his gaze. I saw instantly that he was obviously uncomfortable and I jumped to the conclusion that here was another Man in front of me that was "unhappy in his marriage."

To my shock and surprise, he lifted his head and I was taken aback by his gorgeous blue eyes. They were full of life, and his grin was like he had the secret to the world and I wanted to know that secret. All of a sudden, he wasn't my enemy, but someone I wanted to know more about.

Within minutes, he took off his wedding ring, and he looked at me with the most honest, soul baring expression that I was almost afraid of what he would say. God, please don't let this be just another come on!

I couldn't have been more wrong. Sam, looked directly in my eyes and said "i am Gay", and to my astonishment, without even thinking, I jumped up and hugged him as if I'd known him all my life. I knew instantly that this was the first man I would ever know that didn't have ulterior motives. I could feel safe with him and as I hugged him I surprised myself when I said "I am so glad to know you."

His name was Sam, and he became my safe place to fall. Sam, with his mischievous smile and dancing blue eyes became my companion, my confidant, my savior. I watched him over the next few years and he never ceased to amaze me how he looked at the world, and at me. Here is a gay man, in Texas, with the most amazing outlook on life. Although he faced judgement daily, and was many times treated as a second class citizen, he never lost his smile, his lust for life and his neverending belief in the good in people.

We became inseparable, we shopped, we vacationed together, we cried together, we snuggled in one bed watching cheesy chick flicks on business trips, he was my everything. His husband, as did mine, became fiercely jealous of the time we spent together, and we secretly laughed when one of us was being scolded for not coming straight home from work. He was my heroin and I was completely addicted! I made up a song with his name in it, and any time I sang it, he had to dance, and dance he did!

We counselled each other on working harder, marital issues, and becoming better people. When my marriage began to fall apart, we spent many hours talking and me crying, but Sam always knew what to say to make me smile. "Jamie, there are women all over this world who are going through  the exact same suffering, the difference is........they're fat!" He meant no harm, and I knew it, and  we laughed until we cried.

It was Friday, and Sam and I had been making business calls all day, and we decided to go to my house for a quick glass of wine (we both knew a quick glass meant he'd be there for hours and get scolded when he got home). Always dressed to the nine's, it didn't seem unusual that we were hiking through the woods behind my house and Sam had on a suit and tie. The hammock we finally found was, as most hammocks are, a death trap. It was huge and I started giving him directions on how to safely get on...."Oh Jamie shut up, I'm from Oregon, we know hammocks!" We both laughed because we knew that there are no hammocks in Oregon, as he began to lower himself onto the hammock. And just like that, the hammock flipped and Sam (suit and all) ended up face first with a loud thud! I know it hurt him, but it was just so funny that the pain wasn't important.

After we both safely got on the hammock we stared up at the starts and talked and talked for hours. I remember thinking to myself, life is good, and this Man is quite possibly the most important person in  my life.

Two weeks later, I was running down the hall of the ICU unit. I got there just in time to watch the life of My Sam drift out of his beautiful blue eyes. Just like that he was gone. The man that never smoked a day in his life died of lung cancer two weeks after our night in the hammock.

That was the second time  I watched someone I loved pass to the other side, and although I was grateful I made it there in time, I knew that the loss of My Sam would forever leave a painful hole in my heart and most definantly my life.

Cut to me:  "Sam, I love you and miss you every day!"