Yeah....so what!

When I started this blog, it was for me to let go of the overwhelming things that were going on in my mind after being diagnosed with a lifelong disease. A way of letting go through laughter, anger, sadness, fear, confusion, guilt...... but most of all laughter.
For those who don't know this, laughter is almost always used as a mask. It is easy to hide behind people's laughter, plus, laughter is a win win situation for everyone involved, (most of the time).
But I forgot what this blog was really about, whether no eyes ever read these words, I will say what I feel. As inappropriate, or cynical, or "angry", I may sound, these are my feelings, I own them, and I want these words to show me!
Even if it's the me that's mad, terrified, and yes, even angry!

Because whether I say Fuck, or whether I forget to make a joke, the truth is there are words I hear that suck,and are scairy and sometimes, Hell Yes I'm Pissed....So What!

'You cannot work, your disease is progressive"
"I am here to disconnect your electricity"
"If I take that IV out on my own, will it save me 300 dollars"
"Really, I know I have to be out of here by the 30th, I promise I'll be out"
"How long will I be on home heath?"
"Will my left eye ever stop sagging?"
"So I can't play anymore........ever?'

I can't be funny when nothing's funny, I will curse when I want to, and I will scream from the top of my lungs.........MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS....REEEEAAAAAALY......WHAT THE FUCK????

This blog is not for those who don't like seeing the ugly side, becuase there is a very ugly side. It is grieving the loss of someone you used to be, all because of some little sore on my brain?! It is not easy, nor is it funny, so I will continue to write, but please understand that I am just dealing with life, this blog is for me, not anyone else.

So this blog is going to be what it started off as, my mind working in another way, my way of finding light in a what could easily remain a dark and scairy place, these are me, and these are my words.

If you want to know me, then I really must be me.....right????

Cut To Me..... Surprised that I'm really having to recreate me, is there a book on tape on how do do that?